like the movie ..

i know most people are not going to believe this..but i
assure you its true..i am a 46 year old heterosexual male virgin.  yep.  i
wrote it..and i no most of you out there are not going to believe me. but
its true..well its almost like the movie.  there is nothing wrong with
me..NOOOOO i don't look like the hunch back of notre dame.  and no i
am not on any kind of medication for a mental disorder.  i have never
told anyone this.  even when i hear my friends or people chat about sex,
i smile politely, maybe laugh a little, but thats it..when the movie
came out, it was like looking at my life on the big screen..i just shook
my head.  anyway, i have been told that i am nice, a great catch, and
people wonder why i have never been married.  i don't date at all
hardly, for fear i guess that i am seen as not good enough.  the few dates i
have had, go ok, we talk, laugh, have a good time.  i follow up and i
get the same old, "gee your such a good friend" or "you remind me of
 either a) a family member brother or worst yet father or b) a old bf
from grade school..grade school??? geez. like what did i do between the
first and second date..in all cases, i brushed my teeth, showered,
dressed appropriately, i mean good grief man..what happened to change in
that short amount of time.. anyway..once you get attached with the
brother line or something like that, its kod (Kiss of Death).. then you get
the "you have never been married look" like there is something wrong
with you..like duuuuh..ah nooo. first of in a way with the divorce rate,
cheating rate or whatever you want to call it at an all time high right
now, i would much rather be a alone than a statistic or pouring my
heart out about why it didn't work out..(nothing against anyone for doing
that, it is healthy to get it out).  so your probably wondering, well
don't u think about it - meaning the s word..(i'm kidding i can say it or
type that word that begins with the letter s and ends with an x)..
you know..but seriously, yes i do think about sex..a LOT!!! nooo, i
don't go hanging out late night at the local porn dvd store or order the
latest dvd online, or look for it online..and nooo, i don't order Girls
Gone Wild (although, hmmmm)..but i can tell you, i do have a very very
very vivid imagination just ready to be put to good use..as for the
tool..well there u have it in a nutshell..i don't know..i just had to get
this off my mind and see if anyone out there has anything similar to
me or can offer CONSTRUCTIVE advice..

He's my best friend, and I love him.

I told him I was interested a few months ago.  We decided to "try
things".  We went on a few dates, I spent a few nights at his house.  I fell
asleep in his arms and woke up in the same place.  Actually, we'd both
wake up around the same time, separated from one another, but he'd
sleepily pull me close to him again so we could wake up together when his
alarm would go off.  He kissed me in private, and he kissed me like he
meant it.

This lasted just a few weeks.  Then, suddenly, he wanted to end things
(though I didn't know initially).  He stopped talking to me first, but
finally I wrestled the nasty truth out of him.  I begged and pleaded
for him to make it work.  He's leaving in a year, and he'll be gone for
five years when he does leave.  By the time he returns, I'll be
finishing up graduate school. I told him I was okay with him leaving for those
five years if he gave this one year an honest chance.  His relationship
issues kept him from making the commitment.  We haven't talked in
almost three weeks.

I miss him.  I say I don't miss the relationship, and on one level I
don't.  On other levels, however, I can't stop thinking about kissing
him, sleeping next to him, waking up with him, holding his hand...those
are all small prices to pay, however, if I can keep the friendship.  I
don't cry when I think about the loss of those things, but sob for
significant periods of time when I think about the friend I'm losing.

He says we'll talk about it when I return from my vacation.  I get back
in four days.  I want to do this in person, I want to see his face
when we talk about whether or not it's feasible to continue our
friendship.  I want him to see my face when I start to cry if and when he says
that our friendship is over.  Four years of my life cannot end like this.
I will not lose him.



A part of me still believes that we're meant to be.  He's the only
person I can ever see wanting to marry.

Was it molesting?

My brother didn't exactly molest me... He took off his pants
around me and paraded around with a long white thing. He put my hand to
it. He touched my butt. He pinched my butt. He ran upstairs and got
naked. He would hug me close. He would come in my room and refuse to
leave. He also went through the stuff in my bathroom, and I am not sure why.
Is that molesting me? IS THAT MOLESTING ME? Because I don't know what
to call it. I just say my brother molested me.

I thought originally that finally I had something that would make me
have power over him: to hold this over his head if he tried to hurt me. I
hoped he didn't realize that nothing would happen to him if I told.

I am an attention seeker

I hate not being noticed. It makes me feel like I don't
exist. I've done a lot of insane things for attention. I spend a great deal
of my time plotting ways to draw more attention to myself. I cut my
hair into an extreme style; only a few people noticed. I am still trying
to figure out ways to get people to notice me. But I really only do it
because I don't have any close relationships outside of my immediate
family. I wish someone would care. I've always wanted a best friend,
someone who I'm close to and who is close to me. I've never had one. I'm too
socially impaired. A good analogy would be this: when you're starving
to death you're willing to eat anything. When you're starving for
someone caring if you live or die, you get desperate for someone to give you
some attention. I know I'm pathetic. I hate myself.

My Mom is Gay

I am a 20 year old daughter to divorced parents. My mom is 43, blonde and really pretty. She's an aerobics instructor with a great figure and big calves that are very muscular. In December, I took care of her plants at her condo while she was away on business. I was in her closet looking for a certain pair of heels when I stumbled across a handwritten letter and two polaroids clipped together at the bottom of a shoebox. One showed my mother standing next to a tall, full figured black woman and what appeared to be this woman's children. They were posing in front of a ferris wheel at an amusement park. The other photo just devastated me. It showed this same woman standing completely nude in my mother's motorhome. She was lifting her huge breasts toward the camera and her swollen nipples were the size of my thumbs. She had tattooes everywhere and her big lips were puckered as if throwing a kiss. The letter was addressed to my mother and signed by this woman. It was so raunchy that I couldn't read it. I have been walking around like a zombie in the twilight zone since then and I cry every night.

I cheated on my boyfriend

I cheated on my boyfriend last night. i feel sick about it. Its not like I am someyoung stupid teenager (not that teenagers are stupid). I am a divorced mother of 3. I was in a bad marriage for 19 years, during which I never cheated. My boyfriend was in a bad marriage for 16. We only met a month ago, but have been spending nearly every day together. I cheated on him with this guy that I had been talking with online for over 4 months. We had never met because he lives 2000 miles away. He finally came to town and one thing led to another and we had sex last night. I wasn't with my boyfriend last night because some Marine buddies came to town and he went out with them. I feel worse because my bf called me at 11 pm that he was already becaue he missed me. I feel like I am sabotaging the best thing that has ever happened to me.

for attention, for care.

he didnt hit me becuase he didnt exist.

Bi

well i am only 14 but i have been keeping a huge secret from my boyfriend and all my friends. i am secretly a bisexual.

I killed myself

I was good...for the most of my life people hurt me more then I hurt them. I never really had a serious relationship until I met X. I was abused as a child and never thought that I was good enough for anyone. X and I spent 5 years togehter. He cheated all the time and I knew about it, but couldnt leave. I prayed to meet someone who would love me. And I did. He was the most beautiful human being in every possible way imaginable..He had no bad qualities in him. We got married. I had 2 children. Really soon after we got married I realized that he was bipolar and an alcholic. He had his own company, we had money, he loved me, but just drank alot and I was miserable. Then he almost died after taking too many anti-depressants. And then I killed myself. I went out and just spontaneoulsy me and my girlfriend had a treesome with some random really young guy. Then the cheating/going out/raves/extasy/cocain/etc began. For the whole year I lived this double life - on one side I am a wife of a CEO, we live in a nice part of town, I have 2 children and a nice job. On the other side, I danced with a glowsticks at night and eat 10 pills...I killed myself. I slept with 5 differnet men while still married. Me and my now ex husband didnt have any realtionship that year, we lived in the same house, he drank, went crazy and I went out and did all these things. I dont know how I managed to take care of the children. I started divorce proceedings, he hit me couple of times, I pressed charges and he signed the separation agreement. We were done. Its all done. I am divorced and live with my children. I dont do drugs and try to keep it together, but I have a feeling that I killed myself...And now its only a matter of time when I am gone...

Why?

Everyone thinks I'm so confident and pretty. But really I'm so ugly on the inside it's frightning. I'm like a beautiful christmas present...filled with rotten food. I destroy people because it makes me feel strong and powerful. I break hearts because once...someone broke mine. I was 15 and he said he loved me. Do you know how much you hurt me? I take revenge on every man that looks like you. I don't know how to break the cycle. You took everything beautiful and good inside of me...and ripped it out. Keeping it, forever yours. And desperatly I ask...when can I see you again? Nothing Compares to You....

I may be gay

I am a married man but have been having affairs with men for a month now. I feel gross and ashamed after but keep going back for more. Should I tell my wife or is it a phase? I have never had sexual feelings for men before.

Had an affair with a younger man and now I am torn up with

A month ago I went out to a club with some girlfriends. I have went out without my husband a million times and never once looked at another guy. Well, as the nite progressed the bartender was obviously interested in me and I thought he was super hot. I told him I was married but interested and gave him my number. Then we made out in a closet. I left and in the morning I figured it was a mistake and he would never call. But he did. And 2 days later he came to my house and we had sex. I am 35, married, 2 small children and he is 28 years old, works at a bar and lives in the basement of his moms house. What was I thinking? Then a couple more days later we met in a hotel and had sex again.I told him days later that I thought we should just be friends. Then I went to that same club with my husband and I again met the bartender in the closet, made out etc. I got so drunk I cant really even remember anything. My husband wanted to go and I said I was staying, yelled at him and he got hit by a guy and now has a black eye. It was the worst thing that has ever happened. I said some super mean things and I just feel sick. I totally will never see the bartender again and I am so scared my husband will find out. He loves me so much and I do love him too, because there is no way I would feel like this if I didn't. I thought before that maybe I should leave, but after this disaster at the bar, I know I need to stay away from any scene like that and just resume my life. I feel sooooooooooo painfully guilty. Will I ever feel better? Has anyone went through this? Please share...

My life

Well this Journal is 17 years to late because I should of started it way before but this is where I will begin from. Someone has to start from somewhere and I need to do this for an Example and for people to look thru my eyes and how I live life and how life has been close to hell and Why parents should not pressure there children because their children may end up killing themselves or killing there parents. Am 17 and am a Hispanic born in this country am a half Ecuadorian and half Salvadorian. I hate both of my parents, yea they're divorce and I live with my mother. I go to school so I can escape my house or aka hell. My main reason I go to school is to see my friends and Teachers who are very funny. One of my bestest friends that I have and that I love as my sister that I only open up too and tell my problems is my best friend . I would give my life for her at any time. At this point I want to say that I have gone through suicide, self esteem and depression just like any other kid but for the first time I want to tell everyone except my mother and I have my reasons for that. My parents are not rich but I admit we are down there. The only people that I ever loved and probably am ever gonna love is My dead babysitter Matilde who was like my real mother to me and give me a memento that I still hold on to, and admire and love my Sister. There are two reasons I live for and I always ask my why I am alive; The first is I have to see matilde again and the second reason was given to me by my sister and is I have to protect that person. My biggest fear is not being able to protect those who I love like my friends and my Sister. I also have four personalities that keep me alive, They are my defense mechanism.

Sat Nov 25 2006
Well today I went preaching because am a Jehovah Witness and we do preach door to door and even though many people don't like us. In the afternoon I stuck up my middle finger at my mother for the first time because she wanted to know why I have an attitude with her always and why I don't talk to her. I couldn't take it any more so I just stuck it up and if you are wondering why I hate her is because she killed me in a way when I was small and caused a living hell for me up to this point and well she damaged me emotionally inside. I have a big Hole in my Heart because of her and I just need to stay away from her and cant wait to move out. I cant say that I haven’t thought for her dieing and I wouldn’t care, you can a call me cold-hearted bastard I don’t care but that’s what I feel. When I was small like 4 my birth mother Leticia would leave me at a babysitters home and would leave for work. In that home is where hell started for me; there was an older boy maybe he was seven but he used to pick on me and once threw a baby cradle at me. I would sit next to a window and put my hand on the window. My hand pressing the window I would say “When are you coming for me Mami”. The kid once wanted to give me pills once so I could go to sleep but I didn’t take it. What made it sweet was when I punched him one day in his jaw because I couldent take his crap anymore. The only way I could escape the pain was just by going to sleep and waiting for Lety for a relief but still I didn’t get that even when she came to pick me up because she was stressed out and take the stress out on me. Well enough of that flashback. So after I stuck up my finger I went to the bathroom and took a shower and went to sleep and woke up and now am doing HW. I called my friend Michael and asked him how he was doing and he keeps insisting that I have a crush on my friend that I call sister, but he's wrong because I only see her as my sister and plus she has a boyfriend Even though yesterday after I went to the movies I went rushing to see her at the mall. Funny thing was my heart was pounding when rushed toward the place that she works at. * weird feeling* o well whatever She is still my sister. I felt relieved after I saw her. I hated what mike told me about me not being able to see Sis after June but I know I will see her after college somehow.

I sometimes blame myself for Matilde death

Every single day and night Suicide pops up in my head

Every single day and night. No matter what I am doing, how busy I am. Suicide pops up in my head. 3 of my best friends this year have done it. 1 of them was my ex. I give up. I just want to let go and end all this pain. But Im scared, I want it to pass, its gone on forever and then when I think it starts to get better, it gets worse. I dont know why I still hold on. I cry every night, I cry myself to sleep. I draw and I write whenever I can. I do a lot of excercise. Im outside a fair bit. I dont know what else I can do to deal with things. Im so sick of pretending to be happy. Im so sick of trying to hold it together for everyone elses sake! I JUST WANT TO LEAVE!

I Feel So Guilty Yet Paralyzed: Any Advice?

I'm in my late 50's and have been married for over 30 years. I'm a professor in a small college in the midwest. I've been cheating on my wife for over a year and a half with a 24 year old student (now graduated and in a graduate program elsewhere). I know it's wrong. I don't even know how I let myself fall into this mess. I never cheated before. I know if I tell my wife, she'll feel destroyed. She'll divorce me. If anyone finds out the affair started while the girl was an undergraduate student of mine, I could lose my job. But the thing is, I think I'm in love with the girl. We're in contact by cell phone and email. What should I do? Any advice?

hmm

I wish you wouldnt have said that what i lied about would keep you from loving me that day. you say you didnt mean it, but it feels like you did. i wish i never hurt you and for that im so sorry. but i wish you didnt say that because now every once in a while i have doubts about if you ever really forgave me.

NEW SITE EVREYONE "WWW.TELLSECRETS.ORG"

HI, THANK YOU GUYS, EVERYONE THAT HAVE POSTED AND SHARED THEIR SECRETS OR OPINION. THIS REALLY STARTED AS A SMALL PROJECT FOR ME, AND IT'S TURNED OUT GREAT, BETTER THAN I EXPECTED. THANKS TO MY SPONSORS, I WAS ABLE TO GET US A NEW AND EVEN BETTER WEBSITE TELLSECRETS.ORG. SO PLEASE DON'T STOP SHARING. COME BY SOON OKAY.
THANKS.

Only 1 person has ever told me that I'm beautiful that I truly believed.

It wasn't my mother.
It wasn't my father.
It wasn't my sibliings.
It wasn't my husband.
It wasn't my children.

Only 1 person that had no agenda for saying it. Now I think of myself as beautiful inside because of it.It's more important than I can ever explain.

Understanding

I'm a senior in college. My freshman year, I was date-raped by a boy in my class. It has forever changed me. Now, my last year of college, the time when I have every right to go out, get drunk, have fun, be as crazy as I want to be, I can't bring myself to enjoy time at all. All I want to do is hide from the world, all because some idiot wanted to get laid three years ago. He will never know how much he changed me, how he took something away from me, and how I will never get it back. I will look back on this moment in 10 years and know I should have got up, went out, and got over it. But I can't. It holds me down, pushes me deeper into myself, and I'm not sure I can find a way out.

Respect

I ended up having sex with a teacher of mine in college. I knew she was married but did it anyway not caring of the consequences. I'm grown up and have a very nice job working for the government, only to find out my boss is the husband of the teacher whom I had sex with. The thing is, I respect my boss because he essentially gave me a job when nobody else would hire me, when nobody else gave me a shot, he did and now I'm secure for the rest of my life. I respect him like a father because I never had one, yet I helped his wife cheat on him and it tears me up everytime I look at him...and I'm too much of a coward to tell him the truth.

A lose - lose situation

I have a secret, I am gay. It is hard to even type that let alone say it. I wish I wasn't but it's the way I was born, like being born with a disease or mutation. My family doesn't know, nor do any of my friends, but I can't get the strengh to tell anyone. If I tell my family, I know they'll still love me, but I know what their views of homosexuality are and they may not be as close to me or support me. My few friends will probably reject me. I will be left alone all which is my biggest fear. I have trouble making friends as it is. If I don't tell anyone and go on living this fake life, I will have friends and family, but I will never have a relationship or love, and will end up alone that way too. I'll never have my own family with a wife and children to come home to, or any of the experiences a father has with their children. All I'll have is me and possibly a partner if I want to lose everything else. Sometimes I ask God, why did I have to be gay? Wh y would you allow something like this? I never asked for this curse and I wish I could make it go away. Whichever choice I make, I will lose.

I miss my family

I just moved away to college and am finding out I actually do miss my family, no matter how much I dent it.

Virgin?

I was molested by my brother from the age of 7-10. I think he raped me, but I've pushed it so far out of my mind that I don't know if I'm a virgin or not. That's the reason I wont let you touch me and I'm sorry because I do love you.

-Me

Scared out of my mind

My best friend has feelings for me. And I think I like him back. But for some reason, I'm scared out of my mind.

life

I stopped taking my bipolar medications without telling my doctor. i dont want to take them anymore. i want to use painkillers and drink again. i hate my life. i lie all the time. i tell more lies than truths. secretly i wish i were dead. but i cant kill myself. i cant be that selffish so hopefully ill get hit by a bus on my drive home from work.

Sometimes I don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning...

My Secret

Well here I am. I am about to tell it all I just turned 27 and I feel that I have the curse of the 27 if you all know what that is well I have been planning this for well since I was 19 and well ive decided that tonight is the night that im going to do it well alot has happened a guy i was dating for about 1 1/2 years went crazy on me and my ex husband well he went crazy on me today and im just at this point i just dont know what to do. I have 2 beautiful children and he tries to make my life hell because of them he wont pay child support i cant even afford to pay my rent never the less anything else im sick have cancer and have missed alot of work dont know what im going to do just lost in my self need some good insite well dont think that will ever happen...................................=so here i am to say good bye those who know me know what i have gone through and those who dont just be glad its not u!!

I Love him

Yesterday my husband beat me. It wasn't the first time our arguments have gotten physical but, this is the first time in over 10 years he has hurt me. I have never felt so close to death in my life as when he was choking me. I am not going to leave him. I don't think 10 years should be thrown away because of one moment of losing control. But, i don't know if I will ever trust him again.I feel like a hypocrite because if it was someone else I would tell them to leave. But, I now know that every situation is different and leaving isn't always the the right answer. But, if he touchs me again in anger. I will be gone before he knows what happened.

My confessions

I'm good at drawing and I'm an amazing writer but I fear what will happen if people like my work so I make it as bad as possible. It's killing off my dream though. All my life, I wanted to go to Havard and get a good education. After I got out, I wanted to travel the world and write while the nature inspired me and at the same time, draw pictures for my own collection of books for children. I fear it won't happen unless I can actually show my GOOD work but I doubt that will ever happen.- When I was at school, I went into the bathroom and wrote a suicide note in a stall. Later on, everyone saw it and they assumed it was me. I have to say that even though they think I'm a freak now, I'm glad they knew. I was on the edge of killing myself and after they saw it, I got the help I needed. It was my cry for help.

- I hate myself more than I really should

- I've always been naturally thin from my fast metabolism but I secretly can't stand to look in the mirror and had bulimia and anorexia on and off for years.

- I used to be abused both physically and emotionally as a child and I somehow miss it now that it's gone.

- I had a huge self harming problem and it went on for months before anyone noticed. I promised that I would stop and they believed me. I secretly never stopped and I still have problems with cutting myself.

- I lie about 75% of the time, stretch the truth 20%, and I tell the truth only 5%.

- I used to be so nice and giving. I used to donate all the time but, now I never seem to be forgiving, and never donate... I miss doing that...

- When I see someone with an injury or a problem worse than one I have, I feel sad for them but so much happier to know deep down that they get laughed at more than I do.

- I lie to make my life seem more interesting.

- I see myself dangling from ceilings.

About her...

I am in love with my best friend. She is 8 years younger than me and I met her online 6 months ago. We become very close very quickly. We talk for 4 or 5 hours every night while I'm at work (sometimes more). She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my entire life and I think about her constantly. The problem is that I am married with three kids. I love my wife very much but I can't stop thinking about my best friend. I have tried to fall out of love with her but it didn't work. She finally told me last night that she is in love with me as well. She is living with her girlfriend of 3 years and two kids that she helps to raise. She's absolutely incredible and I've never felt this way about anyone. I know what I'm doing is dangerous but I can't help it. I love her.