He's my best friend, and I love him.

I told him I was interested a few months ago.  We decided to "try
things".  We went on a few dates, I spent a few nights at his house.  I fell
asleep in his arms and woke up in the same place.  Actually, we'd both
wake up around the same time, separated from one another, but he'd
sleepily pull me close to him again so we could wake up together when his
alarm would go off.  He kissed me in private, and he kissed me like he
meant it.

This lasted just a few weeks.  Then, suddenly, he wanted to end things
(though I didn't know initially).  He stopped talking to me first, but
finally I wrestled the nasty truth out of him.  I begged and pleaded
for him to make it work.  He's leaving in a year, and he'll be gone for
five years when he does leave.  By the time he returns, I'll be
finishing up graduate school. I told him I was okay with him leaving for those
five years if he gave this one year an honest chance.  His relationship
issues kept him from making the commitment.  We haven't talked in
almost three weeks.

I miss him.  I say I don't miss the relationship, and on one level I
don't.  On other levels, however, I can't stop thinking about kissing
him, sleeping next to him, waking up with him, holding his hand...those
are all small prices to pay, however, if I can keep the friendship.  I
don't cry when I think about the loss of those things, but sob for
significant periods of time when I think about the friend I'm losing.

He says we'll talk about it when I return from my vacation.  I get back
in four days.  I want to do this in person, I want to see his face
when we talk about whether or not it's feasible to continue our
friendship.  I want him to see my face when I start to cry if and when he says
that our friendship is over.  Four years of my life cannot end like this.
I will not lose him.



A part of me still believes that we're meant to be.  He's the only
person I can ever see wanting to marry.