I may be gay

I am a married man but have been having affairs with men for a month now. I feel gross and ashamed after but keep going back for more. Should I tell my wife or is it a phase? I have never had sexual feelings for men before.

Had an affair with a younger man and now I am torn up with

A month ago I went out to a club with some girlfriends. I have went out without my husband a million times and never once looked at another guy. Well, as the nite progressed the bartender was obviously interested in me and I thought he was super hot. I told him I was married but interested and gave him my number. Then we made out in a closet. I left and in the morning I figured it was a mistake and he would never call. But he did. And 2 days later he came to my house and we had sex. I am 35, married, 2 small children and he is 28 years old, works at a bar and lives in the basement of his moms house. What was I thinking? Then a couple more days later we met in a hotel and had sex again.I told him days later that I thought we should just be friends. Then I went to that same club with my husband and I again met the bartender in the closet, made out etc. I got so drunk I cant really even remember anything. My husband wanted to go and I said I was staying, yelled at him and he got hit by a guy and now has a black eye. It was the worst thing that has ever happened. I said some super mean things and I just feel sick. I totally will never see the bartender again and I am so scared my husband will find out. He loves me so much and I do love him too, because there is no way I would feel like this if I didn't. I thought before that maybe I should leave, but after this disaster at the bar, I know I need to stay away from any scene like that and just resume my life. I feel sooooooooooo painfully guilty. Will I ever feel better? Has anyone went through this? Please share...

My life

Well this Journal is 17 years to late because I should of started it way before but this is where I will begin from. Someone has to start from somewhere and I need to do this for an Example and for people to look thru my eyes and how I live life and how life has been close to hell and Why parents should not pressure there children because their children may end up killing themselves or killing there parents. Am 17 and am a Hispanic born in this country am a half Ecuadorian and half Salvadorian. I hate both of my parents, yea they're divorce and I live with my mother. I go to school so I can escape my house or aka hell. My main reason I go to school is to see my friends and Teachers who are very funny. One of my bestest friends that I have and that I love as my sister that I only open up too and tell my problems is my best friend . I would give my life for her at any time. At this point I want to say that I have gone through suicide, self esteem and depression just like any other kid but for the first time I want to tell everyone except my mother and I have my reasons for that. My parents are not rich but I admit we are down there. The only people that I ever loved and probably am ever gonna love is My dead babysitter Matilde who was like my real mother to me and give me a memento that I still hold on to, and admire and love my Sister. There are two reasons I live for and I always ask my why I am alive; The first is I have to see matilde again and the second reason was given to me by my sister and is I have to protect that person. My biggest fear is not being able to protect those who I love like my friends and my Sister. I also have four personalities that keep me alive, They are my defense mechanism.

Sat Nov 25 2006
Well today I went preaching because am a Jehovah Witness and we do preach door to door and even though many people don't like us. In the afternoon I stuck up my middle finger at my mother for the first time because she wanted to know why I have an attitude with her always and why I don't talk to her. I couldn't take it any more so I just stuck it up and if you are wondering why I hate her is because she killed me in a way when I was small and caused a living hell for me up to this point and well she damaged me emotionally inside. I have a big Hole in my Heart because of her and I just need to stay away from her and cant wait to move out. I cant say that I haven’t thought for her dieing and I wouldn’t care, you can a call me cold-hearted bastard I don’t care but that’s what I feel. When I was small like 4 my birth mother Leticia would leave me at a babysitters home and would leave for work. In that home is where hell started for me; there was an older boy maybe he was seven but he used to pick on me and once threw a baby cradle at me. I would sit next to a window and put my hand on the window. My hand pressing the window I would say “When are you coming for me Mami”. The kid once wanted to give me pills once so I could go to sleep but I didn’t take it. What made it sweet was when I punched him one day in his jaw because I couldent take his crap anymore. The only way I could escape the pain was just by going to sleep and waiting for Lety for a relief but still I didn’t get that even when she came to pick me up because she was stressed out and take the stress out on me. Well enough of that flashback. So after I stuck up my finger I went to the bathroom and took a shower and went to sleep and woke up and now am doing HW. I called my friend Michael and asked him how he was doing and he keeps insisting that I have a crush on my friend that I call sister, but he's wrong because I only see her as my sister and plus she has a boyfriend Even though yesterday after I went to the movies I went rushing to see her at the mall. Funny thing was my heart was pounding when rushed toward the place that she works at. * weird feeling* o well whatever She is still my sister. I felt relieved after I saw her. I hated what mike told me about me not being able to see Sis after June but I know I will see her after college somehow.

I sometimes blame myself for Matilde death

Every single day and night Suicide pops up in my head

Every single day and night. No matter what I am doing, how busy I am. Suicide pops up in my head. 3 of my best friends this year have done it. 1 of them was my ex. I give up. I just want to let go and end all this pain. But Im scared, I want it to pass, its gone on forever and then when I think it starts to get better, it gets worse. I dont know why I still hold on. I cry every night, I cry myself to sleep. I draw and I write whenever I can. I do a lot of excercise. Im outside a fair bit. I dont know what else I can do to deal with things. Im so sick of pretending to be happy. Im so sick of trying to hold it together for everyone elses sake! I JUST WANT TO LEAVE!