like the movie ..

i know most people are not going to believe this..but i
assure you its true..i am a 46 year old heterosexual male virgin.  yep.  i
wrote it..and i no most of you out there are not going to believe me. but
its true..well its almost like the movie.  there is nothing wrong with
me..NOOOOO i don't look like the hunch back of notre dame.  and no i
am not on any kind of medication for a mental disorder.  i have never
told anyone this.  even when i hear my friends or people chat about sex,
i smile politely, maybe laugh a little, but thats it..when the movie
came out, it was like looking at my life on the big screen..i just shook
my head.  anyway, i have been told that i am nice, a great catch, and
people wonder why i have never been married.  i don't date at all
hardly, for fear i guess that i am seen as not good enough.  the few dates i
have had, go ok, we talk, laugh, have a good time.  i follow up and i
get the same old, "gee your such a good friend" or "you remind me of
 either a) a family member brother or worst yet father or b) a old bf
from grade school..grade school??? geez. like what did i do between the
first and second date..in all cases, i brushed my teeth, showered,
dressed appropriately, i mean good grief man..what happened to change in
that short amount of time.. anyway..once you get attached with the
brother line or something like that, its kod (Kiss of Death).. then you get
the "you have never been married look" like there is something wrong
with you..like duuuuh..ah nooo. first of in a way with the divorce rate,
cheating rate or whatever you want to call it at an all time high right
now, i would much rather be a alone than a statistic or pouring my
heart out about why it didn't work out..(nothing against anyone for doing
that, it is healthy to get it out).  so your probably wondering, well
don't u think about it - meaning the s word..(i'm kidding i can say it or
type that word that begins with the letter s and ends with an x)..
you know..but seriously, yes i do think about sex..a LOT!!! nooo, i
don't go hanging out late night at the local porn dvd store or order the
latest dvd online, or look for it online..and nooo, i don't order Girls
Gone Wild (although, hmmmm)..but i can tell you, i do have a very very
very vivid imagination just ready to be put to good use..as for the
tool..well there u have it in a nutshell..i don't know..i just had to get
this off my mind and see if anyone out there has anything similar to
me or can offer CONSTRUCTIVE advice..

He's my best friend, and I love him.

I told him I was interested a few months ago.  We decided to "try
things".  We went on a few dates, I spent a few nights at his house.  I fell
asleep in his arms and woke up in the same place.  Actually, we'd both
wake up around the same time, separated from one another, but he'd
sleepily pull me close to him again so we could wake up together when his
alarm would go off.  He kissed me in private, and he kissed me like he
meant it.

This lasted just a few weeks.  Then, suddenly, he wanted to end things
(though I didn't know initially).  He stopped talking to me first, but
finally I wrestled the nasty truth out of him.  I begged and pleaded
for him to make it work.  He's leaving in a year, and he'll be gone for
five years when he does leave.  By the time he returns, I'll be
finishing up graduate school. I told him I was okay with him leaving for those
five years if he gave this one year an honest chance.  His relationship
issues kept him from making the commitment.  We haven't talked in
almost three weeks.

I miss him.  I say I don't miss the relationship, and on one level I
don't.  On other levels, however, I can't stop thinking about kissing
him, sleeping next to him, waking up with him, holding his hand...those
are all small prices to pay, however, if I can keep the friendship.  I
don't cry when I think about the loss of those things, but sob for
significant periods of time when I think about the friend I'm losing.

He says we'll talk about it when I return from my vacation.  I get back
in four days.  I want to do this in person, I want to see his face
when we talk about whether or not it's feasible to continue our
friendship.  I want him to see my face when I start to cry if and when he says
that our friendship is over.  Four years of my life cannot end like this.
I will not lose him.



A part of me still believes that we're meant to be.  He's the only
person I can ever see wanting to marry.