I killed myself

I was good...for the most of my life people hurt me more then I hurt them. I never really had a serious relationship until I met X. I was abused as a child and never thought that I was good enough for anyone. X and I spent 5 years togehter. He cheated all the time and I knew about it, but couldnt leave. I prayed to meet someone who would love me. And I did. He was the most beautiful human being in every possible way imaginable..He had no bad qualities in him. We got married. I had 2 children. Really soon after we got married I realized that he was bipolar and an alcholic. He had his own company, we had money, he loved me, but just drank alot and I was miserable. Then he almost died after taking too many anti-depressants. And then I killed myself. I went out and just spontaneoulsy me and my girlfriend had a treesome with some random really young guy. Then the cheating/going out/raves/extasy/cocain/etc began. For the whole year I lived this double life - on one side I am a wife of a CEO, we live in a nice part of town, I have 2 children and a nice job. On the other side, I danced with a glowsticks at night and eat 10 pills...I killed myself. I slept with 5 differnet men while still married. Me and my now ex husband didnt have any realtionship that year, we lived in the same house, he drank, went crazy and I went out and did all these things. I dont know how I managed to take care of the children. I started divorce proceedings, he hit me couple of times, I pressed charges and he signed the separation agreement. We were done. Its all done. I am divorced and live with my children. I dont do drugs and try to keep it together, but I have a feeling that I killed myself...And now its only a matter of time when I am gone...

Why?

Everyone thinks I'm so confident and pretty. But really I'm so ugly on the inside it's frightning. I'm like a beautiful christmas present...filled with rotten food. I destroy people because it makes me feel strong and powerful. I break hearts because once...someone broke mine. I was 15 and he said he loved me. Do you know how much you hurt me? I take revenge on every man that looks like you. I don't know how to break the cycle. You took everything beautiful and good inside of me...and ripped it out. Keeping it, forever yours. And desperatly I ask...when can I see you again? Nothing Compares to You....